I saw a video on Facebook today. It was made by a young man named Matt Dias. Matt weighed around 495 lbs. when he was 16 and has lost 270 lbs. over 6 years. In the video, he showed the world his body and all his excess skin. He works out very hard, but that cannot tighten skin.
Matt was very scared to post that video, but he said, “I can’t preach body positivity and hide who I am.” I am so proud of Matt for loving and accepting his body as it really is! He is a beautiful human being! I needed to learn from him…
I also feel it is wrong to preach body positivity while hiding, but instead of making a video to tell people what I was going through, I just slowly, but surely, stopped preaching. I have completely stopped blogging and the posts on my Facebook fan page have become sporadic.
I have been hiding! I felt that if I didn’t have a “positive” message, no one would want to hear from me. I thought if I stumbled, I would have let everyone down, and no one wants to hear from a “loser”, right?
Today, inspired by Matt Dias, I am “exposing” myself to the world. It is long overdue…
Late last spring, a person I loved, a person I moved to another country to be with (for life I thought), decided she no longer wanted me. I was devastated! I moved back home, but I never shared what happened except with a few very, very close friends and confidantes. There are people in my life, to this day, that do not know what happened.
I wasn’t aware of it while I was living it, but looking back now, I can see that I fell into a deep, dark depression, which I am, just now, slowly climbing back from. I cried every day at the slightest provocation. I still cry more often than I would like, but now it is usually triggered by someone asking me a question about my relationship, as opposed to some random song on the radio or a tv show.
To “numb” the pain, I ate. I also drank almost every day. Not to excess, just one or two drinks to take the edge off so I could sleep, I told myself.
I made food my best friend and told myself I really needed that friend because I had no one else. What a lie! I hid in my little basement suite and rarely emerged except for work or family obligations. I put on a happy face in public. In private, I shut out everyone that cared for me because I felt I had let them down.
Fortunately for me, I have some very special people in my life. My oldest son does not understand the changes I have made in my life, but he and his family have supported me through everything. One friend shares her weekly workout with me. Another two call me on a regular basis to talk and to encourage me. One friend grabbed my hand one day and walked with me into an event full of my peers, who I was ashamed to face. And then there are the two gentlemen who support me by gently, but firmly, kicking my butt when I need it. They smile and nod when I make excuses why I can’t be at my scheduled appointments, but really, they know bullshit when they smell it! All these people believed I would find my way back to life one day even when I didn’t believe it. They stood by me, waiting for that day, no matter how hard I tried to push them away! I love you all!
Now to get down to some exposing… In the time since I returned to Canada, I had regained over 100 lbs. of the 250 lbs. I lost previously. It is not a pretty story, but it is my reality. I am not hiding any longer! There are people that will turn away from me because of my truth, and I am okay with that. I no longer feel the need to please everyone. I did get back to my healthy way of eating. I stopped all drinking and started moving my body on a daily basis. As a result, I am losing weight again, but I will handle it differently this time.
I have decided not to share about my weight loss on my Phit and Phabulicious! fan page. From personal experience, I believe there is far too much emphasis put on weight! Instead of weight loss, my page will focus on making healthy lifestyle choices and moving your body so you can “feel” Phit and Phabulicious! We all deserve to feel good, no matter what size we are! If you have questions about my weight (or anything else for that matter), message me and I will reply to you personally.
Now that I have emerged from hiding, I commit to blog weekly, even if it is only to say “Hi! I can’t think of anything to write about this week”. If you would like to read about a specific topic, please send your suggestion to https://www.facebook.com/PhitAndPhabulousDeb or firstname.lastname@example.org.
I do not yet understand why the universe sent me down the path I have been traveling for the past year, but I will keep moving, even if some days I only take baby steps. One day it will become clear; I know there must be a very good reason.
Are you fighting your own battle right now? Have you overcome huge odds to get where you are today? Won’t you share your story? Look at 22 year old Matt Dias. I’m sure when he posted his video, he never imagined it would bring a 61 year old Canadian woman to tears and inspire her to finally come out of hiding.
You never know who you might touch and inspire! There is someone waiting to hear your story…