At work today, my stomach was very upset, but I continued to work. The only sign that anything was wrong was the garbage can next to my leg. When I realized I was going to throw up, I grabbed that garbage can and headed for the washroom.
I was violently ill and the back of my head felt like it might explode! When I finished, I washed up, rinsed my mouth, tied up the garbage bag and carried it out to the dumpster. Then I went back to work.
If I had been aware of another person becoming ill at work, I would have encouraged, no insisted, that they go home and take care of themselves. Why do I not show that kind of compassion to myself?
I can hear my mother’s voice now… “If you’re too sick to go to school, you’re too sick to watch tv (or read or play with your dolls or (you fill in the blank)”.
Growing up, I took those words to heart and I built on them. I subconciously believed that if I showed compassion for myself, I was weak. Strong people do not let hardships stop them; they persevere no matter what.
Then I took that one step further and decided that accepting help was also a sign of weakness. I believe I must do everything myself. Asking for or accepting help is weak. If I am strong, hard-working and self-reliant I will be more loveable. Right? People will see what a good girl I am and they will love me.
On my drive home from work tonight, I realized that the little girl inside me was sobbing. She didn’t feel good. She just wanted someone to hold her and tell her she mattered. When people at work tried to show me compassion, asking if I needed to go home, I completely dismissed her feelings and said NO, I am fine, I will keep working.
Also tonight, a friend offered to do some extra work in the morning so I could rest and I said “BS, I can sit and work at a computer, I did it today”. And it’s true, I am able to do the work, but am I turning down the offer of help only to prove how strong I am? Did I think to ask the little girl inside me what she needed?
Tonight, I am going to warm up some broth, get into my PJs, my fuzzy pink robe and my warm slippers. Then I am going to relax, sip my soup and tell that little girl I do care how she feels and I am sorry for dismissing her feelings today and every day in the past. I am going to hug her and tell her I love her and promise to be more caring and thoughtful in the future. And I am going to follow through with that promise!
No, I won’t be perfect, but I will keep working at it and I will get better in time.
Do you sometimes have difficulty showing compassion for yourself? What false beliefs are you hiding behind? What if today, you make a promise to do better and then you follow through with that promise.
Give yourself a hug and some love…. YOU ARE WORTH IT!